And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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