Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
