a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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