So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
