what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
