ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
