Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
