***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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