Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
he was CRYING into my vagina
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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