It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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