Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
There r osticjed everywhere
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
