Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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