and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize