i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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