do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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