idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
