Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
