I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
