seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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