You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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