No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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