I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
