Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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