just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
