god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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