So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
