Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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