Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
