i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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