I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
im on a boat
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