i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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