there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
