Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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