im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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