I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
