she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
