Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Randomize