thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I could make wine with my vomit
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize