i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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