When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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