What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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