Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
