I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
