Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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