Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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