Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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