I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
