Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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