this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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