I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
