I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
