I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
