We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The adults are the big ones right?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
