The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
