She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
