I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Two words: blizzard sex
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize