Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
