I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
time to smoke my breakfast
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
