do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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