Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
