Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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