Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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