Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
