I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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