The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
