At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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