I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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